When My Feelings Threaten to Consume and Define Me…

I feel small and find myself taking up less space.

I am so much less colorful than I once was and I fear that I will never find joy again.

My light and spark have dimmed and sometimes I am afraid that I will be swallowed up entirely.

I feel defeated and tired.

I feel hopeless.

I feel anxious.

I feel misunderstood.

I feel alone.

And I find myself totally at the mercy of these feelings. A lot.

Does any of that sound familiar to you? That was exactly where I sat last year as God walked me through a very beautiful, but often difficult, total heart transformation. I can recall a very vivid memory of how all of these emotions could, and would, come together in one unexpected moment and completely change my entire day:

It was the weekend and our family had decided to spend the day running errands together. The weather was beautiful and I felt happy and carefree. Suddenly a painful memory flashed through my mind. It was just a momentary thought, a split-second feeling, but I felt the familiar squeeze in my chest because I knew what was coming next and I felt completely powerless to stop it. I felt the sadness, the anxiety, and the fear begin to build. As it grew, I knew that it was only a matter of time before it swallowed me whole and I would be consumed by it for hours, possibly even days. The panic began to rise and my heart desperately searched for somewhere to hide. I didn’t want to be in this cycle of pain, anxiety, fear, and shame… I didn’t! But I can’t stop it. And somewhere deep inside, I knew that I would eventually stop fighting it altogether. I would accept that life had changed me and I would always be this smaller, less colorful and less joyful version of myself.

The end.

Except God said… “not the end, Shannon. You were crafted by my hands. Your very being has my fingerprint on it. You are exquisite and beautiful and covered in grace. I love you. Let me show you my heart.”

This topic is pretty heavy and I think it’s very important that I share my heart right up front. I am not bringing you this post today with any sort of underlying message of shame or judgement. I have not walked in your shoes. I do not know your pain. I cannot imagine the scars that have been carved deep into your heart. But I can imagine someone telling that same girl above that she is not chained to her feelings, that they do not have the power to control her day, and I can guarantee you that she would have responded that she has been so deeply defined by her painful seasons that she can no longer have an identity that is not tied to the resulting anxiety and fear. That she feels completely powerless to take the wheel and she’s just along for the ride.

How about you?

What feelings have been branded into your identity? What feelings do you find yourself powerless to escape? Shame… fear… anxiety… anger? All week we have been working on sifting through the list of words that have been written on our hearts as we allow Him to redefine us with His truths. But, what about the feelings that attempt to label us or brand us a certain way? Because He cares about those too.

Feelings simply do not obey our command. Am I right? I cannot will myself to feel something. I cannot force the hurt, sadness or anger away. I can compartmentalize (no… I personally can’t do this well). But that is really just reserving the feeling for later. So why can’t we actually “control” our feelings? Because they are a natural and very genuine extension of the heart. They are a flashing signal to our brain that says, “hey… there’s something here. Something that brings joy or something that hurts.”

Yes, feelings are a completely natural response to our life experiences and seasons, but may I share a personal and humble observation? They can also become huge spiritual battlegrounds.

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

So, what do we do with our feelings when they threaten to swallow us up? (I’m 100% speaking to myself here too…) Well, that’s where I try to pause for a moment and evaluate… am I feeling a very natural emotion that comes with my processing of a difficult season, or is this the enemy trying to pull me under again with his lies… only they aren’t lies, are they? No… he often uses truths to tug at our heart while he ultimately tries to manipulate us into giving up hope. Let me explain…

The enemy will use whatever tool he can to leave you feeling completely defeated. He studies you and he knows your weaknesses. He will whisper damaging thoughts into your ear, reminders of painful seasons, and then tell you that you will never rise above the shame, anger, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. That you are forever lost in this abyss. That you are alone. That nobody understands you and worse, everyone has abandoned you. That you are a disappointment and unloved. And if he is telling you any of those things right now, hear this… HE IS A LIAR and he is seeking to destroy your heart.

You are incredibly loved by your Heavenly Father. He loves you the same today as yesterday, no matter what road you have traveled. He weeps at your broken heart. He wants to heal you and bring you to a place of peace, and even joy. You are not alone. He is there… always. You are not a disappointment. He is proudly calling you HIS… even on your worst day… yes, that day that just flashed through your mind… He loved you the same. And He can walk you through healing by showing you His heart and holding you while you rest.

So, when you feel those emotions, that genuine extension of the heart, I encourage you to pause for a moment. Ask yourself the roots. If you have traveled a difficult season, allow yourself the time and space to process. If you need extra help, seek out a counselor (I did this too!). Hurt and grief give rise to many emotions that should be recognized and given the love and grace to be worked through, not pushed aside. And the process is a journey. It should not be rushed or compared. We all travel through it differently. But I promise you, if you cling to Him, there is life on the other side and He will be faithful to get you there.

In the meantime, guard your thoughts and your heart. The enemy will use your process to try to drag you under, over and over, until you feel totally consumed and defeated. If you find that he is turning your grief, your feelings, your journey into a spiritual battleground…

1 – Pray. Even if you don’t know what words to use, God knows your heart. He will scoop you up and hold you close until you feel strong enough to stand again.

2 – Pause to remember that your thoughts have the power to bear fruit, good or bad. If you hold onto the thought… if you water it… it will take root in your heart. Then draw strength from Jesus when you find yourself starting to spiral down that cycle. When I sat in the truck that day, it all started with one thought. That’s all it takes. One thought… watered… is all the enemy needs.

3 – Step into your authority over the enemy. He has no power in our lives. Once we begin to recognize his lies and his games, we can tell him to flee and he has no choice. We don’t need to reason with him or argue with him. God has given us ALL the authority over the enemy. When he tries to whisper lies of defeat and hopelessness… “you’re not good enough. You’re too broken. This healing isn’t for you.” Turn to him and simply say, “leave.” Say it out loud, if needed… I know I did a few times. And if you are feeling weak, have someone pray over you. I did that too. Whatever it takes…

4 – Remind yourself that you are not defined, labeled, branded, or controlled by your feelings. You are not at their mercy, helpless to be swallowed up whole. They are signals of something that makes your heart take pause. Believe me, I know from experience that they are often an extension of very real, and sometimes very raw, pain. I completely understand. They may go very deep, and they may feel very overwhelming at times, but they are not “who” you are. Begin to believe and find strength in the identity that your Heavenly Father has been pouring into you and nothing more.

5 – Find hope in His promises. As you put these steps into practice, you may see change… or it may feel really, really fruitless. That’s how I felt at first. And God said, “rest, Shannon. Rest in my promises. You will feel joy again.” Today may not feel better, friends. Tomorrow may not feel better either. Next week may feel like an even bigger battleground. But keep pushing through with hope and faith in His promises. We serve a Father that is loving and good and faithful and he will not let you fail.

Blessings today, my friends.

(The above post is an excerpt from our “Fall Into Me” devotional series. Click here to read more.)

Extra note: If you are in crisis, please dial 911. I am not a counselor or therapist and the contents of this site, and any opinions stated, are presented for informational purposes only, and should not be substituted for professional advice.

If you are considering suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Trust me, you are here for a reason and Jesus has a plan for your life and your story.

If you are not considering suicide or in any physical danger, but you feel that you are in need of additional assistance, please reach out to a counselor or therapist in your area. There are so many wonderful and free services out there! Don’t let shame or fear stop you. The truth is, we are all a little broken and it’s okay to say that, at times, we may need additional help. Sometimes, it’s even part of God’s refurbishing plan for our lives! I thank Jesus for these beautiful people and their God-given gifts!