Chapter 15: Redefining Perfection (Happy New Year, Friends!)

Let’s take a minute and talk about the elephant in the room… Imperfection. We work so hard to be the perfect wife, perfect mom, perfect daughter, perfect sibling, employee, friend, boss, Christian, neighbor, woman… whew! I’m exhausted just writing it.

But, let’s face it… Trying to chase perfection is like trying to put a fitted sheet on our king-size bed. You see, we recently added this 4” foam mattress topper that makes the bed extra comfy, but it also creates a real struggle when attempting to get the fitted sheet secured in place. You get the final corner nice and snug and you feel so proud, and then another corner just pops right off. So, you move around, re-tuck that corner down and get it looking neat and perfect and well… up pops the next one. It’s a never-ending round and round as you struggle to get it looking flawless. And one day as I found myself fighting our sheets, willing them to stay in place for more than a few minutes, I began to realize…

Sometimes I get the mom thing right, then the spouse thing goes wrong. Sometimes, I get the friend thing perfect and am feeling really good and then the daughter thing goes awry. Sometimes the work or homeschool day goes really well and then I bomb at being loving and patient with my family at night. Sound familiar? I quickly find myself on this hamster wheel, chasing perfection in everything I do. I’m absolutely exhausted and feeling like a failure at every turn. And yet, no matter how endless and unrewarding this pursuit feels, each morning I wake up and it begins again.

Ahhh… yes, the hamster wheel of perfection.

Don’t forget to check out our video recap of this chapter at the end of this post!

I won’t lie to you… Even in the never-ending process of defeat and exhaustion, there was a time in my recent past when I found the chase much more comfortable and far more tolerable than the thought of my only other alternative…

Letting go and letting people (and God) accept and love me for who I am, including loving myself.

You see, I could go into all the details of why I chase perfection, but as I have peeled the onion layers back little by little, I’ve ultimately determined that the root cause comes down to one simple but frustrating lie – I’m just not enough. And over time, I’ve realized that the fear and anxiety associated with that lie are what drives me to climb back on that hamster wheel of defeat every single day.

The truth is, when I take time to more deeply reflect on this pattern, I begin to recognize that each time I climbed on the hamster wheel, I would run harder, faster, and longer only to find myself in the same spot as when I started. Even worse, despite all of my running, all of my efforts to be more, do more, and accomplish more, I never met the end of a single day with feelings of peace or confidence… I wish! Instead, each night as I placed my head on the pillow, I would silently resolve that when I woke up the next morning, I would chase “being more” … again. But next time, I’d do it better.

Where did we get this idea that “being more” is the only thing that will make us worthy and bring us fulfillment? And why did I have this sneaking suspicion that it was robbing me of all the joy that Jesus had in store for me?

Because it did, my friends. And it does. The truth is, chasing perfection robs us of the joy of our present and the peace of knowing that we are perfectly and wholly loved today, just as we are, by the One who loves us the most!

And let me hit the pause button right here, because if you are like me, a recovering perfectionist and people-pleaser, I may have just hit another tender spot for you… The need to be the “perfect Christian” in order to make Jesus proud. You see, sometimes we even find ourselves on the hamster wheel in our spiritual walk:

I’m not doing enough or being enough for God. I need to read more, pray more, go to church more, or be more like Jesus. I am not a perfect follower, not even close, and He’s probably so ashamed of me; so disappointed that I haven’t worked harder to live up to His calling and His expectations. Look at all these people around me doing so much better at this.

Another failure. Another defeat.

Another lie.

And it steals our joy, our peace, our hope… and our calling.

Don’t ever forget that there is a powerful promise and truth that will always exist between God’s love and calling on our hearts and the enemy’s taunting and defeating perfection-chasing lies: the Cross.

Where the former recognizes that we are made imperfectly perfect in Him, loved and enough, forgiven and covered in grace, the latter denies every important truth and promise made to us that day when Jesus traded His life for ours.

You are loved, wholly and unconditionally… Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. And always. And you will always be more than enough.

His grace and His love – We don’t have to earn it. We don’t have to try harder, do more, or be more. Once again, we are called to simply draw close to Him and allow the rest to become an extension of a life beautifully intertwined with His.

Friends, hear this… We are not compared against each other for daily worthiness of His outpouring, standing in line to receive our portioned amounts of love and grace as determined by the works we have achieved.

No. It’s simply and beautifully a gift. Freely given each and every day, in equal measure. Believe this and let it truly take root… He loves you, imperfections and all.  And He loves you today, just as you are.

While it’s absolutely true that we are called to “live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ” (Ephesians 5:2 NLT), and to seek ways to share His love with others, we are not expected to be perfect. 

We are expected to anchor our hearts, our peace, and our hope to His love and allow His truths to define us.  We are expected to rest in His love and grace and meet each day seeking His heart, letting Him love on us, and then allowing some of our overflowing cup to beautifully leak out and pour onto others. 

It’s not an expectation of doing or being more… It’s a natural process and by-product of simply inviting Him in and sharing our life with Him.

Do you feel some weight lifting yet? I really pray that you do.

Stepping off the Hamster Wheel

So how do we take that first step? How do we trade our running shoes for dancing shoes? How do we give up this defeating and soul-crushing cycle and find joy in the letting go?

Speaking from my own journey, if we want to truly begin to break the cycle of chasing perfection, the process starts with taking a good look at what is really driving us. It’s asking one very important question: What is at the core of this pursuit?

And when I took a deep look at my own hamster wheel last year, I found some interesting connections that helped me start processing and changing some of my perspectives. I wanted to share them here because I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you may find these relatable as you read through them:

• I was always comparing myself to others around me, consistently watering thoughts of inadequacies in every area. No matter what it was, someone I knew did it better, and I never felt that my efforts (or my talents) were enough.

• I walked away from every conversation with the replay on repeat, analyzing everything that I had said and how it may or may not have been pleasing to others. I wondered endlessly how they felt about me, what they thought of me, and if I became a topic of negative conversation once I left.

• I felt anxious about allowing people to get close to me because I knew that if I allowed someone into my highly protected inner space, then they may find all my “muchness” to be just too much.

• If I did something, especially for someone else, I had to do it perfectly or else I fell short and felt anything but proud. There was no gray area for me. Either I did it fantastic and without error, mind-blowing and a huge success, or I had failed.

• I justified and defended my feelings and/or opinions at every turn, not because I felt the need to be right, but because I felt that if someone agreed with me, then it would reassure my heart that everyone in the room didn’t think me stupid or unworthy to sit at their table.

• I was the “yes” girl. At work, with friends, with family. I committed myself to every project, committee, task, and need. And when I committed, it had to be at a 200% or I left feeling that I had let someone down. I worked hours into the night and on weekends, sacrificing endlessly “for others.” But I grumbled endlessly too.

• I convinced myself daily that my family got the short end of the stick when they got saddled with me. That another mom probably plays Nerf wars more and has more patience. That another wife probably cooks more and listens better. That I am failing daily to simply… be more… for my own family. And I carried the weight of that guilt the most. To ease some of the shame, I resolved that I would do little or nothing for myself because I was already failing to do enough for them.

And I was tired. I was so very tired. Tired of working hard to keep my messiness under wraps. Tired of acting quiet and reserved to prevent the rejection of my muchness. Tired of feeling unsafe around others and churning with anxiety. Tired of feeling like I never live up to anything, look right, perform well, or say the right things. And not just tired. Realistically, that’s an understatement. I was utterly and completely defeated and exhausted. And eventually I reached a point where it was easier to just exclude all the people and all the things than it was to hold up the act any longer.

Loneliness became a preferred option to the inevitable rejection that would crush my heart with the next blow.

Now let’s refocus for a moment, take a big deep breath, and dive a bit deeper into some of the underlying themes here…

A desire to be accepted, worthy, important, significant, special, and loved. The fear and insecurity (ugh, I personally cringe at that word) that I will be abandoned, hurt, or rejected. And the deeply rooted belief that I have to work really hard to be perfect so that I could achieve one in order to avoid the heart-shattering pain of the other.

But there was one very important truth that all of this (all of it) was missing and, when I found myself utterly exhausted from the never-ending hamster wheel and desperately ready to trade in my running shoes, God gently and lovingly stepped in and reminded me…

“My child, your identity is in Me. Only Me. I love you. I will never leave you or abandon you.”

Because that’s truly what it all comes down to, right? Our identity. And for as long as I can remember, my identity was like a piece of putty that I walked around placing in other people’s hands, allowing them to mold me and shape me, to define me and determine my worth, while I nervously waited to see what they handed back and I painfully fretted over if they would decide that I was enough. There’s that word again… enough. 

But in that moment, I realized that God was calling me to recognize the brokenness of my patterns, the untruths that came with my ways of determining and defining my value, to finally let go of my desperate chase of perfection and to give my defeating cycle over to Him, fully.

He was calling me to allow Him to work through it; to let Him pour through me and speak life into my heart; to allow His truths to become so deeply rooted in my spirit that they grow to become the beginning and the end of my identity, reassuring my heart that I will never be abandoned or alone and I’m always more than enough.

An identity that is no longer putty, freely given to anyone and everyone. No, an identity that is securely anchored by solid truths tethering my heart to His. 

So, if you find yourself relating to this chapter, if you find yourself struggling with your own hamster wheel of perfection, I urge you to remember this…

Your identity rests in Him, alone! Nobody else and nothing else determines your value, dictates your worth, or defines your beauty.

Nobody else gets to decide if you are loveable, worthy, or enough. And once you’ve fully allowed Him to reassure your heart of that truth, hear this…

You are chosen. 1 Thessalonians 1:4

You are loved. Romans 5:8

You are the cherished daughter of the King. You are royalty. 1 John 3:1-2

You belong here. Jeremiah 1:5

You are beautifully made just as you are. Psalm 139:13-16

You have special gifts that only you bring to the world. You are irreplaceable. 1 Peter 4:10

You have a purpose. Ephesians 2:10

You have a light. Matthew 5:14

You are special. Jeremiah 31:3

You are known. Psalm 139:17-18

…

You are far more than enough.

Your family is blessed to have you.

Your friends are blessed to have you.

We are blessed to have you.

And it’s your time to bloom!

Are you ready? I’m ready! But there’s one more thing we need to remember and it is this…

Joy does not come passively. We must commit to it, push towards it, and grow. And in that growth, we will beautifully bloom! Let me explain…

Joy Does Not Come Passively

The truth is, changing old patterns, especially deeply rooted thought patterns, doesn’t happen overnight. In order to really achieve the full freedom of knowing our identity in Him and fully resting in it, we will have to seek and embrace change in our thoughts, beliefs, and habits.

Make no mistake, giving up on the hamster wheel of chasing perfection can be challenging. Basically, it’s a complete shift in perspective and a complete re-alignment of where we anchor ourselves. And simply put, such change often takes time.

It takes planting, watering, and committing to re-plant when His truths get uprooted, again. It takes speaking life into His words, even if we don’t feel them in our hearts just yet. It’s the action of taking His truths and declaring them over our lives and taking steps each day to hold onto them and lean into them.

In reality, as a recovering people pleaser, I have chased perfection my whole life, trying to be worthy of everyone’s love and acceptance, running harder with each passing day. So for me, trading in my running shoes for dancing shoes was, and still is, a process. I continually have to sift through my feelings and my thoughts and realign them with what I know to be His truths.

But, there’s one big (life-changing) difference in my processing and realigning now…

Instead of chasing the idea of perfection defined as the pursuit of “being more,” I redefined perfection as simply drawing ever closer to Him and embracing what He says about me today, right now, just as I am. Nothing extra. Nothing more. Simple, natural, and just as He made me; just as He sees me.

The beautiful and freeing truth is this… Jesus doesn’t make mistakes and you are the daughter of a King.

If you are always trying to be something else, how can you share the unique and amazing gifts that He gave you?

If you hide in the shadows because you fear rejection, how can you shine for His glory in just the way He designed you to shine?

He made you. Every intricate detail. He chose you. He breathed life into you. He loves you. He accepts you. And it’s time. He is calling you to replace your running shoes with dancing shoes and find joy again! But in order to do that, we must first be willing to do this…

We have to change our focus from chasing perfection to simply chasing His heart instead.

He has a calling on your life. He has a purpose for you. You are “you” for a reason. He desires a relationship with you and wants to give you His heart. So, when we stop chasing worldly acceptance, fleeting, temporary, and fickle, we will find joy and peace beyond understanding in His love and acceptance.

We will find a relationship with Jesus that will heal all the holes in our hearts that we have been trying to fill with everything else.

So, I just want to encourage you today… Evaluate what you are chasing. Redefine perfection. You do not need to be more. You shine brilliantly just as you are. If you are not invited to someone else’s table, don’t hide in shame. Don’t allow your identity to be like putty placed in other’s hands for their molding and shaping. There is always a place for you at His table. Don’t let fear of the world’s rejection render you immobile. Anchor to Him. Shine bright for Him. And seek daily to truly know Him. For it is in chasing His heart, not in chasing perfection, that you will find rest, peace, and unending joy.

And from my heart to yours, many blessings for a beautiful year!

Always yours,

Shannon

* Hi friends! This chapter is an excerpt from the book A Time to Dance: Chasing Joy in Difficult Seasons. If you would like to buy a copy of the book, you can order it on Amazon by clicking the image below to be redirected. Thank you for your continued support! We appreciate it more than you know!