God Whispered, “Give It To Me.”

I stood at this very spot when I heard God whisper, “give it to me.”

Give you what?

“Your shame.” 

I can’t, God.  I deserve it. If people knew what I was really like, they would say the same. 

“Give it to me.” 

His words were so powerful that as I type them, I’m drawn to tears.

But, let me go back a few beats because I believe that God has been preparing me for this moment for months.  I have lost several people over the years to suicide.  Some I knew only a little. Others I had lost touch with.  I felt saddened, and if I’m honest, sometimes angry.  How could they leave the people they love behind to suffer such a tremendous loss?  What about their children?  And then sadness again… how could they feel so unloved?  How could they feel so hopeless? Could I have made a difference?  They must have been hurting so bad.

God touched my heart back then and I knew that there was something that He was guiding me to write.  But what, God?  I didn’t feel like I could relate. What could I possibly write? Still, He pressed on for months with little crumbs.  Why wouldn’t He just say it?  What was I missing?  Like a small child, I was very impatient.  When I know God is doing something, but I don’t know what, I get eager (and anxious) and my impatience is evident.  But His timing is perfect.  In one of my impatient moments, He answered, “because they are not ready.”  And in that moment, it all clicked into place… 

This message is not just for me.  He has also placed this message in front of you in the very moment that He knew you needed it.  He loves you.

Fast forward a few months… I have struggled lately with a lot of uncertainties.  Life has thrown me a few curveballs.  I won’t complain because I am very blessed and I know this, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get stressed, anxious, sad, depressed, and angry at times.  I pour my heart into my family.  Most people that know me would say that I’m a good mom, maybe even a great mom, but the enemy kept whispering in my ear, and in my moments of stress and uncertainty, I started to listen…

You’re not a good mom.

You’re a liar.

You’re mean.

You have forgotten all your joy.

You are hurting those that love you.

They deserve better.

You will never be what they need.

You will always hurt them.

You are a failure.

You shouldn’t be here.

You had so much potential and you are a shame.

You should hide.

If you were gone, your family would be better off.

I instantly cringed when I heard those words pass through my head.  No…that can’t be right. 

Yes, it is.  When was the last time you heard God’s voice? See…even He has left you.

…and there it was.  The moment I accepted it.  The shame.  The lies.  It must be true.  It had been a while since I last heard God’s voice.  Even He must think I am a failure.

In hindsight, I realize how easy it was for me to accept the enemy’s lies.  How easy it was for me to wave the white flag of surrender and accept that I am nothing, worthless, a failure, a disgrace, and a shame.  And worse, the lie that all I do is hurt those that I love the most.  That was the most painful one.

Every time I had a moment of impatience with my kid, the enemy would say, “see,” until by the end of every day, I was defeated.  It no longer took convincing to make me see what he was telling me.  I had accepted it.  All of it.

And then one day I stopped for a moment, under a beautiful sunset, to snap a picture of the view in front of me, and without any warning, God spoke into my heart: 

“Give it to me.” 

What?  

“Your shame.”

I can’t, God.  I deserve it. If people knew what I was really like, they would say the same. 

“Give it to me.”

­­­­­­­­­­­_______________

You see, the enemy is the master of lies.  He finds our weakest point and attacks without ceasing.  But our God is bigger and He loves us, even when we question how or why. 

I would like to tell you that my story ends there, but the next day, my son and I were dancing in the living room and the enemy whispered, “you don’t deserve this.  You don’t deserve happiness.  You aren’t worthy of it.  You should be ashamed of who you are.”  This time, however, he failed.  I identified him for who he was and the lies he told.  I thanked Jesus for my freedom and joy in who I am in Him!  And I kept dancing.  But, I know the enemy will always try to lie to me in my moments of weakness.  He will try to convince me that I am not worthy of such joy and love.  He’ll be back.  But my God is bigger.

If the enemy has been speaking lies into you, hear this… you are loved, worthy, a blessing and a gift.  Even if you don’t feel like one.  Even if you feel undeserving.  Even if you can think of 1,000 reasons why you should be ashamed and 100 people that you’ve hurt.  You are forgiven and you have a purpose.  Ask Jesus to show you.  Ask Jesus every day.  Ask Jesus every hour.  Ask Jesus every minute.  The enemy will try to convince you otherwise.  When he does, ask Jesus to carry you.  Ask him to help you find your path.  To clear the fog.  To silence the enemy.  And then keeping seeking Him… through joy, pain, confusion, sorrow, and every season in between.  Seek Him.  Never let the lies of the enemy define what the Creator has made… you.