When a Friend is Battling Infertility: 10 Simple Ways to Let Her Know You Care

If you have a friend that is battling infertility, I’m here to encourage you to reach out. She may seem to be holding it all together and doing okay, but more than likely, she is everything but okay.  She is hurting…and I mean deeply, deeply hurting.  I believe that couples everywhere are suffering in silence, as we were.  Sometimes, it’s uncomfortable to ask them how they are doing.  You don’t want to seem intrusive or nosy.  But there are ways to show that you care without being either of those things.  Most importantly, there are ways to say, “I see you.  I love you.  I’m sorry for your pain.” Just knowing someone sees their pain and is thinking of them, or praying for them, can lift their soul on a difficult day.  So, don’t let discomfort or fear keep you from reaching out to your friend.  And, don’t assume that someone else is reaching out.  Infertility can be incredibly isolating.  Your small act of love can mean more than you would ever imagine.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, we composed a list of 10 simple ways that you can let a girlfriend know that you care during this difficult time:

1. Make a call. Pick up the phone, tell them you love them, and then just listen. Allow them to express whatever emotion they need at the moment. You can’t fix it, and that’s okay, but the healing power of having someone that loves you and listens is indescribable.  So, remember, it’s okay that you don’t have the answers.  You are still making a difference.

2. Send a card. Even the smallest note, written from the heart, can speak so much love into someone battling through this loss.

3. Send flowers. Sending a card and/or flowers acknowledges that you see them and you see the pain that they are going through, you love them, and you are there.

4. Invite them on a walk, coffee date, or lunch.  I had a very special friend that would invite me for lunch often during the infertility journey.  She’d say, “let’s meet at our favorite restaurant for lunch,” and I knew that she was making time for me to talk about how I was doing.  Before I got there, she always had our meal ordered and our favorite guilty pleasures on the table, chips and salsa and Dr. Pepper.  Then, she would spend an hour just listening.  She dedicated that time to just being there for me.  No pressure to share, or not share.  No giving advice or opinions.  Just listening.  The healing power of her thoughtfulness during that time makes me tear up even today, years later. 

(An important reminder…Many people need privacy during this time, just as we did.  If a friend shares with you pieces of their journey, please remember to keep those discussions private unless you are invited to share (or unless your friend is in danger of hurting themselves or someone else).  It’s very difficult for someone to go through this journey alone, but having someone break your trust and share things without consent can be even worse.  Please remember to honor your friend’s privacy, as my beautiful friend did for me.)

5. Make them a care package. Bubble bath, candles, a new cookbook, a new lipstick or eye-lash set…whatever lifts their spirits. Help them feel beautiful and loved this week!  Not everyone experiences the same emotions on this journey, but I had a hard time feeling beautiful when all I felt was broken.  A care package can be a mixture of things for their emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.  If it’s coming from the heart, it will touch every part of them.

6. Buy them a pamper gift certificate. Even better, buy one that you can do together!

7. Make them a meal or bake them something special and drop it off. Even the little things show them that you are thinking of them.

8. Do an act of service for them. Think mowing the lawn, picking up groceries, walking their dog, etc. Or better yet, cook them dinner and let them sit at the table and talk to you while you make it. An act of service can mean so much to someone that is hurting.

9. Plant a tree or rose bush in their garden/yard to honor their pain and loss. It can be a place that they can visit when they are grieving the most. 

10. Ask them what they need and tell them that you are praying constantly for them. Just knowing that someone is thinking of you and praying for you can mean more than you’ll ever know.

Special Note:  While I wrote this to share some ideas of things you can do for a girlfriend that is suffering, I want to take a moment to note that husbands are not, and should not, be forgotten.  They are usually trying to be the pillar of strength for their wives, while their heart is breaking into pieces as well.  My husband was absolutely incredible during our journey, but he hurt just as much as I did, possibly more.  If you know a male friend that is suffering, I encourage you to ask them how you can help, pray for them, and just be there to listen.  

We are sending out love, and understanding, to everyone suffering the incredible pain of infertility. We see you. We care. And most importantly, we are praying for you.