He Grieves: When Your Spouse is Spiritually Shaken By Loss

Being the spouse of someone that is in deep mourning is a unique kind of helplessness and pain. And whether it comes on suddenly or over time, it rocks your world, just as it shakes theirs. The focus is, rightfully so, on the partner in deep mourning. So, when you’re the spouse, you feel selfish to even acknowledge that you are on a somewhat parallel path, also mourning a deep loss, but a different kind of loss. The loss of the one standing right in front of you. The one that is physically still there, but emotionally, they feel empty and gone. You face the fear of the unknown as you watch them battle depression, confusion, and anger. You experience deep hurt as you try to be everything they need, but no matter what you do, you cannot fill that void and your efforts are not only in vain, but sometimes you seem to make things even worse.

When you are preparing to say “I do” at the alter, everyone tells you to be prepared for the hard. That marriage comes with its ups and downs and you have to be ready to face them together. That sometimes you may not feel love from (or with) your spouse, but it’s in those moments when you fight the hardest. As a newlywed, you may think about your most recent arguments, but then you smile because you’re not scared. You’re confident. Nothing can stop the two of you. Nothing can break you. You’ve got this! But in life, sometimes, you can’t possibly know what lies ahead and only time will show how your heart can break. And it can. And you can feel alone, angry, hurt, and confused. But, if we listen carefully, it is in those exact moments that God shines the brightest in our life. And, if we (both) choose to turn towards Him, His light will shine in our marriage and together we can heal and rise. How do I know? Because my husband and I have journeyed through the hardest season of our lives after the loss of his mom and in the darkest place, God never left us to fight the battle alone. He became the glue that held us together and now we are stronger than ever before. And He can do the same for you.

I can still recall the day when I finally broke down. I cried on the bathroom floor to my husband, begging him to see me. Begging him to see how much I love him. Begging him to come back from the edge of the cliff. Because that’s exactly what it felt like. He walked to the edge of a cliff and he couldn’t see that he was tethered to me and our son. I knew that when he jumped, we would not only lose him, but he would take us all. Because we are a family and we are tied together by a deep, Godly love. But he couldn’t see us anymore. All he could see was his depression, his anger and his pain. And, there I was, on the bathroom floor, begging him to rub his eyes, hoping that it would break through the fog he was in, and he would see us again. Small insight… it didn’t work. But, Jesus.

If this is where you are, and your spouse has suffered a deep loss and is struggling with depression or anger, please read these next words very slowly… I see you. I feel your heart. I have been there. I have walked that pain. I have felt the anxiety. I have felt the failure. I have felt the helplessness. I have felt the fear. And, at the worst moments in it all, I felt like all my insides were exposed, vulnerable, and at any moment, likely to be ripped out. And, I’m here to tell you that Jesus rescued me (and my husband) from that deep, dark place and He will rescue you too. Jesus has a plan and He will heal you. I do not have all the answers, but He does.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 It’s not just a verse out of the Bible. It’s a promise. All we have to do is lean in.

If you are in crisis, please dial 911. I am not a counselor or therapist and the contents of this site, and any opinions stated, are presented for informational purposes only, and should not be substituted for professional advice.

It was my husband’s idea for me to write this blog post, but I don’t feel that I could ever do justice to what he really went through in the year after he lost his mom. You see, his mom was his champion. She was a warrior in every sense. You never heard the woman complain, although I personally wish she had. I wish she had allowed herself to grieve the pain, share the load, and release the tears of fear, or even anger, that I’m sure she felt many times over the course of her diagnosis. But that was just her. She wasn’t going to let anything stop her. Until the day something did. When she went into that hospital for a routine appointment, she never expected she wouldn’t be coming home. Her shoes were tucked in the shoe closet, just where she had left them. Her jacket hanging on the wall. Her current read, probably the newest James Patterson mystery novel, sitting on the side table in the living room. Everything exactly as she left it. Except she was gone. And her absence was palpable.

Her death, although preceded by a fourteen year battle with cancer, came suddenly and it shook my husband’s world. When he dropped the initial veil that held him together long enough to plan the services and take care of the necessities, he let out the most primal, deep, soul-wrenching scream of pain that I had ever heard. It was both terrifying and heart-breaking. He wept and broke and I held him as best as I could as I watched him completely fall apart.

When we returned home, I thought my husband was doing okay. He poured himself into projects. I felt a bit lost, but I tried to give him the space he needed and only mentioned my concern here and there. But soon, this method of distraction became a habit. He began to distance himself emotionally and physically. His eyes felt dead and empty. He was absent. When he was there, I couldn’t feel him, and it scared me to the core. But, I had faith that if I supported him in the way that he needed me, he would find his way through the grieving process and our family would be okay.

Then came the anger. He was angry at it all. He had a right to be. It wasn’t fair. This beautiful woman who protected, loved, nurtured, and served everyone in her life was suddenly gone. The grandson she adored and left behind may, or may not, be able to hold onto actual memories of her. She didn’t have time to prepare or to say her goodbye’s. The fact that my husband barely made it in time to see her and my son and I didn’t (because she went so fast) only added to the already emotionally-heavy load of it all. None of it was fair. And it all made him so angry. But, as we know, anger doesn’t stay neatly tucked away in a small part of our heart. It often boils over and infects other areas of our lives. By day, he remained the strong, hardworking and dedicated professional, but at home, he struggled to hold it all together.

Let me hit the pause button here for just a second.

There is no shame (or blame) in mentioning my husband’s anger. Left unguarded, however, the enemy sees opportunity. He uses these vulnerable times in our lives to plant seeds and whisper lies, and my beautiful husband was so raw and exposed, that the lion saw the opportunity and pounced. My husband was quickly consumed with feelings of not only anger, but intense rage, and he began to push everyone and everything he loved away. My husband was in the middle of the biggest spiritual fight of his life, one that would change our family forever, and I felt completely powerless to help.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

It was here, in the depths of the most painful, gut-wrenching, confusing, and anger-inducing season of our lives, that I cried out to God.

In the beginning, I simply asked why. I asked over and over and over like a helpless child. Why, God? Why? It was like watching in slow-motion as my family headed down a course that inevitably led to death and I was completely powerless to stop it. I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t take the wheel. I couldn’t do anything but watch. Why, God? Why? And it made me so sad. And so angry. I didn’t know what to do. I was so terrified and I froze. But, Jesus.

As my husband continued to battle depression and anger, there were times that I truly felt like I was walking alone. So, I did the only thing that I could. I walked… and I started praying (and I cried, a lot). I read books and blogs about others that had been in my shoes. I started fighting hard and using every tool I could access. I thought if I just fought hard enough, everything would be okay. But, every time I lifted my head, there was no evidence of my attack. I couldn’t see any movement. Nothing was working. My husband only hurt more with each passing day.

Remember that part in the beginning of this post about how they tell you that there will be seasons in marriage where you just put on your armor and go to war for your family and the one you love? I was determined to do that. I just knew that I was strong enough handle it. After all, I have loved this man for 18 years and if anyone is worth fighting for, HE IS (and so is our family)! So, I put on my armor and I went to war with the enemy. I told him (the enemy) daily that he had no power, in Jesus’ name! And in some moments, I felt strong and brave. But, then, in my quiet and vulnerable moments, I often shook with fear of defeat and I cried… alone.

Then, the turning point came.

See, God often works in the unseen. We may not be able to see the small moves He’s making, but He is always there, working in the details.

One random, painful yet miraculous day, God intervened and in that moment when my husband’s eyes cleared, he realized that he was in the middle of a raging storm, fighting like hell to keep his head above water, and here’s the real kicker… he wasn’t even really sure how he got there. He was so exhausted that he found himself painfully close to just giving over to the temptation to stop fighting the inevitable, give up and just drown (emotionally and spiritually).

As spouses, it’s important to remember that our partner is only human and their hearts have very real limits. How much can we take and keep fighting? How much can we suffer and keep pushing on? As the spouse of someone in so much pain, we must try to focus on the spiritual battle involved and give our husband/wife grace for their inability to emotionally carry it all. We were never meant to carry it alone. That’s why we have Jesus.

See, the devil studies us and he knows our vulnerabilities. He’s a master manipulator and he’s conniving and a liar. It does not excuse our words or actions when we are hurting, but it does show us how quickly and easily he can manipulate an unguarded and hurting heart. Imagine, like the disciples, you are in a small boat and the seas are raging and you are frightened. The enemy will try to convince you that the pain will end if you just give up and jump out into the deep, raging waters without a lifejacket, without Jesus. You hurt so bad that you would do anything for a sliver of peace. So you jump. And that, my friends, is exactly how my husband ended up in a storm of anger and rage with absolutely no clue how he got there. And this was no small storm. It was the storm of a lifetime. The enemy comes to destroy and he was making good on his promises. This storm was destroying my husband and everyone he loved.

The blessing is, that in that moment, just before he drowned, Jesus was there.

When reflecting on that time in his life, my husband says he felt blinded, in a fog, and unable to see anything clearly. A spiritual battle is unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. It’s confusing, intangible, and deadly. How do you fight something you can’t touch or see? The only way we could… we made a choice to lean into Jesus. I’m not here to tell you that it was easy. In fact, it’s an ongoing process, even today. I’m not going to say that the fear, anger, insecurities, and pain magically went away. The healing is in the process, but Jesus stands in the gap when neither of us feel strong enough to be what the other needs.

Moreover, an attacker may defeat someone who is alone, but two can resist him; and a three-stranded cord is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

A three-stranded cord. My husband. Myself. And Jesus. The enemy runs (I like to visualize that part).

My husband and I are in constant awe of what God has done in our family, our marriage, and our lives. He took our pain, our loss, our darkest time and He blessed us. He became our refuge and our shelter. His love and faithfulness became the glue that held us together through the storm. And He spoke life into us, constantly reminding us of His presence as He held us in His hands.

If YOU find yourself in the middle of one of these dark times, I think it is completely understandable to be torn by feelings of fear, anxiety, rejection, helplessness, and even anger. There is no shame in these feelings. But I also feel that God was ever-present and in our most painful moments, we were given many beautiful gifts. I would love to share some of the things that He taught me with you…

#1. I learned to truly listen for His voice in the middle of a storm. He is always there. Always present. We are never alone. Sometimes, I had to find a place to silence the noise and focus my eyes, my ears, and my heart on Him. This often looked like a long drive alone or even a moment of crying out in the privacy of our shower. I had to silence the fear, panic, and desire to just spend the time rehashing in my mind everything that was happening… to truly STOP… and just listen for Him. Wherever I went, He was always there.

#2. God will give you the strength to cover your spouse with grace and love if you ask for it. There was a moment, during one of those shower crying sessions, that God said to me something so powerful. Forgive. Grieving doesn’t always bring out the best in people and hurting people often hurt people. Forgive, He said. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to do it, but when I made the choice to obey, Jesus stood in the gap and gave me a supernatural grace, peace, and love that blanketed my hurt. I will not tell you that it was easy or that I didn’t falter, but I just kept leaning in. I supplied the obedience and He supplied the strength.

#3. Equally important, always remember that God often moves in the unseen. So, just because you don’t see anything happening, doesn’t mean He is not doing anything. Just keep praying for the one you love. Jesus is enough.

#4. I also learned never to limit the tools that Jesus gives us. He helps us in many different ways and opens many different doors towards healing. After months of suffering in depression and anger, my husband found a tremendous amount of healing in speaking with a professional grief counselor. She helped him work through these very powerful waves of emotion and find the root of what was making him so angry so that he could truly start the healing process. A professional is very important because they can help you peel away the layers. You can’t change the fruit if you don’t heal the root (Stephen Covey). And this process took time, my friends. So be patient with the one you love, and with yourself. Have faith that God is at work in your lives.

For a time, my shame and fear of appearing selfish (because remember, I’m not the grieving spouse) made me conceal and cover-up my own feelings. But when I let those walls down, I, too, found a tremendous amount of healing with a professional counselor. My, how the enemy can use guilt and shame to keep us in an unhealthy and painful cycle, but there’s healing in letting go and opening up. As a side note, I also found a tremendous amount of healing in journaling, art journaling, speaking with a very small group of friends/family that loved me and love my husband, and reading during this time. I used every tool I could add to my toolbelt, but I always checked my focus to make sure that each tool was focused on Jesus. Which leads me to #5…

#5. Exercise Caution! Be on alert during your time of healing. The enemy can use the voices of those around you to influence you into further destruction. Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with Jesus. The enemy may use well-meaning friends, family, and even counselors to plant seeds of doubt and fear regarding God’s plan. I don’t know how God is moving in your life and what your path holds, but I am saying to BE VIGILANT about the voices that you are listening to. God has a plan for you, but so does the enemy. Check the source, always, especially during your most vulnerable times. Ask God if it’s His voice, His message, His will.

In my darkest moments, when I didn’t know which voice was Jesus and which voice was the enemy, God came completely out of the blue and spoke a prophecy through someone who had very little knowledge of what was going on! God made it crystal clear which voice was His. But just moments before, the enemy had me confused and turning circles in fear and panic! God will clear the fog. All you have to do is ask.

I do not have all the answers, but I know that Jesus does. And He is there with you, just as He is still walking through healing with us today. In the middle of your storm. In the middle of the pain. In the middle of the fear of the unknown and all the anxiety that it brings. He is there.

If you have read this far, you are probably relating to our journey. You may be walking through a very dark season and you feel so alone. I am so sorry for your pain. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the way that your heart aches and the fear that you feel may drown you at any moment. You are special to God and He is there. You are not alone. I am praying for you. Keep your eyes on Jesus. He will deliver you. Hold on. He’s there. And He loves you.

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